Bananas And Ale
by TrinityTheSheDevil
Summary: A drunk Legolas tries to explain to Elrond exactly how Aragorn got beat up.


Title: Bananas and Ale  
Author: TrinityTheSheDevil  
Rating: PG 13...I think  
Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR's, nor do I make any money off this fanfic. I do however, accept cookies and Aragorn clones. :D   
  
Thanks to Derry who looked over the fic and pointed out a few errors. I skimmed over and probably didn't catch them all tho.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Lord Elrond rubbed his temples as he looked out his window and saw two figures walking towards his front door. Well, staggering was more like it. On closer inspection, he saw that they were.....drunk!  
  
Sighing he walked quickly to the door to meet them. 'What did they do THIS time?' He thought.  
  
Elrond opened the door just as Legolas raised his hand to knock. He was right. They were drunk. And it seems Aragorn had gotten into a fight, for he had two black eyes and a bloody lip.  
  
Legolas looked up in his drunk stupor, at the stern looking Elf Lord. Somewhere in his hazy mind, the thought that he was in major trouble came to him.  
  
"Eeerrr....I caann esssplain' Lord Elllrond sssiirrr." Legolas slurred.  
  
"Yes. You can. And you can begin with how Estel got into another....mess." Elrond sighed. These two were going to be the death of him yet.  
  
"Well, it's HIS fault. He grabbed myyy banana."   
  
"Your WHAT?!" Elrond's eyes widened. Oh Valar....he was going to need something to drink......preferably alcoholic.   
  
"Hisss banana. And it wassssnnn't my fault! Wasss hum-humongo-verryyy big." Aragorn looked up at his foster fathers. 'Wait...when did I get two?' He shook his head, then winced. He could feel a headache coming on.  
  
Elrond quickly pulled the two in and guided them to the sitting room. Looking over Estel's wounds, which weren't very serious, he turned back to Legolas.  
  
"Now, tell me EXACTLY what happened. Don't leave ANYTHING out!"  
  
Legolas gulped, then began to retell the adventure's of the past night.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I'm telling you, Legolas. This place has some of the best ale you'll ever taste." Aragorn looked over to his friend.  
  
They had been traveling nearly all day, and both decided to go to a nearby inn to rest a bit.   
  
"Aragorn, Elves don't drink ale. We drink wine." Legolas said.  
  
"Oh, that's because you can't hold your ale as well as men." Aragorn laughed. This was a sure way to rile his friend up.  
  
Legolas sputtered. How DARE he?! Elves could hold their liquor just as good, if not better, than men!   
  
"Listen, my young Human," Legolas drew the word out, "Elves are perfectly capable of drinking men under the table!"  
  
"Oh really? How about proving it?" Aragorn smirked. He had a feeling this was gonna be a night to remember.  
  
"Okay, I will." Legolas huffed.  
  
Aragorn just nodded and smiled slightly. He was very much looking forward to this. Little did Legolas knew, Aragorn was quite good at holding his liquor. Elladan and Elrohir found that out the hard way.   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Okay, let me get this straight. You and Aragorn decided to have a DRINKING contest? Even though you KNOW Elves are not fit to drink large quantities of ale?" Elrond sighed. Legolas and his pride.......it will get him in trouble one day. Well, more trouble than he's already been in.  
  
"Yeeeep." Legolas nodded drunkly.   
  
Elrond shook his head, and motioned for Legolas to continue.   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Walking up to the door of the Inn, Legolas and Aragorn stopped to look at each other.  
  
"Well, after you, mellon nin." Aragorn mock bowed and opened the door for Legolas.  
  
"Of course, the winner should enter first." Legolas laughed.  
  
"Winner? Well, unless you're referring to me, I have no idea who you could be talking about."  
  
"You will soon enough, my friend. Soon enough."  
  
Walking up to the bar, they sat down on two empty stools.  
  
"Two tankards of your strongest ale please, bartender." Aragorn said.  
  
After the ale had been placed before them, they toasted.   
  
"May the best Elf win." Legolas said.  
  
"I fear you are mistaken, my friend, for the best man will win this contest."  
  
Quickly gulping down the first round, they ordered another. And another, and another, and another. After the 5th round of ale, Legolas looked up at his friend.  
  
"You're absssoooolutely right, Estel. Thisss is some of the best damn ale I've had."   
  
"Told ya." Aragorn grinned. Unlike his friend, he wasn't as drunk.  
  
"Bartender! More ale!" Legolas leaned over the counter, trying to spot the bartender.  
  
"I'm coming Master Elf, just wait a tic."   
  
"Good man, him. Never lets you run out of ale." Legolas nodded.  
  
Aragorn chuckled at his friend. He had never seen Legolas quite this drunk.   
  
The bartender placed two more ales on the bar. After drinking it, and then 3 more, Legolas turned to Aragorn.  
  
"I'm gonna go take care of some Elf business." He winked, and patted Aragorn's shoulder before staggering off.  
  
Aragorn caught the bartender's eye, then pointed to a table in the back. After the bartender nodded, Aragorn grabbed his ale and went to the table to sit and wait for Legolas' return.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I cannot believe you got into a drinking contest with Aragorn." Elrond stared at Legolas.   
  
"Hey, he challllenged me. What wass I ssuuuposed to do?"  
  
"Never mind. Just continue."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Legolas weaved back and forth on his way back to the bar. He was drunk, and he knew it. Oh well, he might as well enjoy it.   
  
"Excuse me, my dear man, would you like to buy a banana?"  
  
Legolas turned as he felt someone tap on his shoulder.  
  
"Aaaaa what?" He asked.  
  
"A banana. From the finest banana trees around." A small man held up a banana bunch.  
  
"What's it do?"   
  
"It does nothing. You eat it."   
  
"Really..." Legolas looked over the banana's. The were long, slightly curved, and very big.   
  
"Okay, I'll take one!" Legolas smiled and handed the man some money.  
  
"And a good day to you sir!" The small man walked off, happy to have made some money.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Walking back into the bar, he spotted the bartender who pointed out the table in which Aragorn had sat down at.  
  
Legolas sauntered over to his friend, currently downing another pint of ale. "Aragorn, I have something to show you."  
  
Aragorn peered over his tankard through two glassy eyes. "Whatssss that, buddy ole pal?"  
  
Legolas reached behind him and whipped out his banana.  
  
Seeing the banana, Aragorn's eyes rounded as big as dinner plates. "That'ssss humongous!" He proclaimed.  
  
Legolas nodded vigorously, and proceeded to wave the banana around.   
  
"A miiiiighty fine banana, yep, sure isssss..." Legolas said.  
  
"Gimme."  
  
Legolas paused and looked at Aragorn. "What?"  
  
"Gimme!" Aragorn said again.  
  
"No! Thisssss is MY banana! Go buy yourrr own." Legolas turned to walk away.  
  
"I WANT THAT BANANA!" Aragorn lunged after Legolas, and snatched the banana from his hands.  
  
"HEY! That'sssss mine!" Legolas looked his empty hands. His banana had been stolen, by his friend no less!  
  
"Welllll go get another. I wantssss the banana." Aragorn turned to sit back down.  
  
"NU UH!" Legolas grabbed the banana and pushed Aragorn, who staggered backwards into a very LARGE man carrying a tankard of ale. The cup of ale tipped over, drenching the man and Aragorn.  
  
Aragorn looked up...and up...and up...to the guy he had been pushed into. He could have sworn he saw smoke rising from the man's ears.  
  
"Oops."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Let me see if I have this straight. You, and Aragorn here, got into a fight over a banana. A BANANA!" Elrond was right. He needed something to drink. Standing up, he went and poured himself a cup of his strongest wine.  
  
"Like I ssssaid, it'ssss not MY fault. HE grabbed my banana!" Legolas pointed to Aragorn, who had finally passed out on the couch.  
  
"Uh huh. Please....continue...."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The man, Bubba, looked at the guy who bumped into him and spilled his ale.   
  
"What do you think you're doing?" He pushed Aragorn back into Legolas.  
  
"HEY! Watch it! That's my banana you bumped into!" Legolas pushed Aragorn back into Bubba, who pushed him into another customer.  
  
The customer, Ralph, got angry and punched Aragorn in the eye.   
  
Aragorn landed flat on his back. "Ow."  
  
"DON'T YOU HURT HIM! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO HE IS!" Legolas jumped and full body tackled Ralph. He then proceeded to beat the bejeezes out of him.  
  
Bubba, who was still angry over his ale, grabbed Aragorn and punched him in the other eye.   
  
"Okay, that'sssss iit!!" Aragorn head butted Bubba in the stomach, who smashed into the table behind him and went down hard.   
  
"NOT IN MY BAR YOU DON'T!" The bartender strolled over to Legolas and tore him away from the bloody pulp on the floor. Dragging him backwards, he threw him out the door. He then ran back to Aragorn, and grabbed him by his hair, shoving him outside with Legolas.   
  
The both of them landed in a heap on the ground.  
  
"Ow." Aragorn said, sitting up and gently prodding at his eyes.  
  
Legolas stood up, and searched around in his pockets. "Oh no."  
  
"What?" Aragorn said, and drunkenly picked himself up from the ground.  
  
"My banana. My big banana. It's...squished!" Legolas held out the mush that was once a fine banana. His eyes then tracked over to Aragorn. "And it's YOUR fault!" He punched Aragorn in the face.  
  
Aragorn found himself flat on his back for the second time that day. Bringing a finger up to his lip, he wiped a bit of blood off.  
  
"Hey, that'sss not my fault! If you had' a given it to me to start off with, we wouldn't be kicked out!" Aragorn stood back up and angrily stomped off.  
  
"Where are you going?" Legolas called after him.  
  
"Home. I'm telling father." Aragorn said, almost pouting.  
  
"Oh no you don't! Not if I tell him first!" Legolas ran after him.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"So you, punched Aragorn...for the banana being squished." Elrond stated.  
  
"Yessir. Was a fine banana too, sir."   
  
Elrond nodded. This was the exact reason Elves weren't meant to drink ale. Well, there wasn't anything he could do about this now. These two would have enough punishment in the morning, with the hangovers.  
  
"Tell you what. We'll talk about this tomorrow. For now, you two just go sleep it off."   
  
Legolas nodded, and grabbed Aragorn, heading off towards their rooms.  
  
Elrond sighed.......then chuckled. Pretty soon he was laughing so hard he was crying.  
  
The door swung open suddenly, with Elladan and Elrohir walking in rather quickly.  
  
"Ada, one of the guards said he spotted Legolas and Aragorn stumbling in. He said Aragorn had been beaten. Is he okay?" Elladan asked.  
  
"My sons, he is fine. But a night he has had." Elrond started laughing again.  
  
Elladan and Elrohir looked at each other, and slowly backed out of the room. Walking down the hall, Elrohir shrugged at his brother when they heard Elrond howl with laughter.  
  
"I don't think we want to know at the moment, brother."   
  
"I think you're right. This is a tale best told when Ada is a bit more......sane..." They winced as Elrond howled again.  
  
Quickly running up the stairs to their rooms, they decided to have a nice chat with their brother in the morning. Whatever happened, it had to have been good, else Ada wouldn't act quite like..this.  
  
End!   
  
PLOT BUNNIES NEED REVIEWS!!!! :D :D :D Tell me if you like the fic or not! Flames will be completely laughed at and posted on my LOTR website. *grins* 


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